For those of you that don’t know me, I’m Foo. I’m the hubby with a drinking problem that Ange has often mentioned here in her blog . The blog has been a fantastic thing for Ange as it has helped her to clearly outline the last ten years; ten years that have defined us as a couple.
Those ten years have flown by really. I still recall leaving our first visit at Pivot IVF clinic in Perth. We had been given the stats- something like a 25% success rate per IVF attempt. So we were pretty confident. Even if it doesn’t work this time, it shouldn’t be too many goes and we will have what we really want; a kid. After 20 goes and ten years of IVF, adoption and donors , we can’t believe how naive we were back then.
Helping Ange with her blog has given me a lot of recollections and reminders. I won’t lie and be brave here. It was bloody hard. And it’s funny how your brain works when it comes to these things. I remember finishing a game of footy a week or so after the first ectopic pregnancy and bursting into tears as I walked off the ground. I don’t know why it hit me then. It all came out though. I’m sure the boys at Brentwood thought I was crazy to take another loss so bad! Actually they were sensational, although being blokes, they didn’t ask a lot of questions. They knew what was happening and I suppose they could guess that the news wasn’t great.
Then I remember the hospital visit when the second ectopic happened. It was election day and Jonny Howard won again. We thought we’d be at the hospital for a couple of hours as it was a simple operation. I thought it was going to be a look around sort of set up. So I took the form guide with me and had a few bets on the phone account. Ange was later going in than we thought, but that was ok because I was backing a few winners and didn’t have anything else to do on a lazy Saturday arvo. In she went and when she came out she was still under the anaesthetic. She was still sleeping when the doctor came in and told me he had taken out the other tube . I’m no rocket scientist but I knew enough to know that it was going to be bloody hard to make babies naturally without any of those tubey things left. I still remember the doctor telling me that we could still conceive- but that we’d have to do IVF. They decided to keep Ange in overnight and sent me home. I drove for an hour to Mandurah before I realised the radio was on the election result the whole way. I was stunned. I’d never drunk wine before that night- but I couldn’t find any beer. I drank three bottles of red and rolled into bed feeling shocked, and so sad for Ange.
Whatever I have had to go through in all of this has been nothing compared to Ange. If anything, the worst thing that has happened to me was a bit of stage fright once when it was my time to step up to the plate. But Ange has been through so much. The operations and the hormones are enough on their own. But it’s the things that others wouldn’t notice that I think have hurt her more so. The repeated conversations with people that obviously haven’t listened to anything she has said before. The cliché responses like “relax and it will happen”, “take a holiday” “my cousin had problems but when they stopped IVF they fell pregnant” and “you’re just not screwing him the right way”. It never ceased to amaze me how ‘friends’ that should have cared and who should have known better could remain so ignorant to what she was actually going through and what the problem actually was.
But her real friends have been brilliant. Ange had fantastic friends in Perth that always asked the right questions, felt the pain she was feeling and understood enough to know that sometimes there was nothing to say that would help. I know that for Ange, just being with them was enough to make her feel better. She couldn’t have coped without those two. And her family have been awesome as well. Ange’s mum is the most wonderful lady that anybody could meet. Sometimes I am sure that some of the pain we were feeling at another negative result was made worse by the fact that we knew it would hurt our family so much, when we had to tell them it hadn’t worked. I know that for Ange, it hurt telling Leanne the most. We know she would have done anything for us to have children if she could. But she couldn’t.
But Rach could. And she did. The gift that Rach gave us both is difficult to comprehend unless you have been where we have been. After as many IVF efforts as we have had, we knew something wasn’t working. That’s when Rach stepped in. Not only did she put her body through the physical and mental demands of IVF cycles for us- but she also gave up drinking and smoking whilst she did it. Being a fellow drink-a-holic I know how hard that would be! You really are a legend Rach and we will never be able to thank you properly.
So here we are. I can’t wait for the next few blogs from Ange. And thankfully, there are more blogs to come. But I want to finish by telling you all how proud I am of my wife. Ange has been through more than anyone should have to go through. She is the type of person who doesn’t expect things to be handed to her, but she expects that if she works hard enough for something, she can have it. She has showed that with her working life as she constantly moved up from job to job and worked harder to earn more. But IVF doesn’t work like that. It doesn’t matter how hard you try, or how hard she worked, it just didn’t matter. I’m sure that frustrated the hell out of her. But she coped. And she grew stronger. At times she has been hurt as much by a careless comment as any surgeons knife. But she has always maintained a positivity that I’ve found difficult to understand. She has had many bad days but she has always been able to laugh at our situation. We’ve had each other and many times we have reversed the roles of the strong one and the struggling one. But she is my true rock. She has never lost faith, she has been willing to do whatever it will take and she has remained true to her friends and family. Through all of this she has always been there for them when they have needed her. She is the most resilient, caring, strong, thoughtful, generous, kind natured, funny and genuine person I have ever met. I am constantly surprised that she chose me, when I know she could have made any man happy. I love her with no doubt and no compromise. But most of all; I am so proud of her.
